Permission to Stop
Just stop.
Today I’m getting off the hamster wheel and enjoying the morning in Munich. From a hotel bed.
Today I give myself permission to stop.
Stop rushing. Stop trying to fill every moment with “important” things. Stop worrying about “getting the most out of it”.
Technically, I’m on vacation today, and have been for the past 3 days. I am in Germany for a work trip, and came a few days early to explore a bit (and really, soooo glad I did!). Of course, I’ve checked in with work, if not spent some time working, at least once every day even though my direct office is closed for Thanksgiving weekend. And today I will work a bit, too. Because tomorrow, my boss flies in, and we go to our head office for a week. And it’s end of year, and, and, and.
Since arriving, I have had to consciously shut my computer, mentally leave it behind, and “force” myself to go out and explore, because, well, I’m somewhere I’ve never been before and SHOULD be enjoying. Knowing life, I may never be in Munich again. So part of me is screaming “Go, go, go! Get out there! See ALL the things! Right now! Why are you still in bed, you lazy sot?!?”
But, when I started crying a few minutes ago, I knew I had to stop. It has been go go go rush rush rush do ALL the things right now for months. And I’m fucking tired. I’m tired of the rushing. I’m tired of the chaos and “my hair is on fire” culture at my job. And to try and compensate for the overworking, I have filled my time off with go go go rush rush rush do ALL the things right now, too, which of course just adds to the stress and pressure.
My hair is not on fire. No one’s hair is.
It’s a manufacturing company that makes widgets to make things operate better.
No one is dying.
No one is injured, or sick.
Hell, no one is even hangry.
Because I’ve worked in those environments: hospitals where people DID die, recovery centers where people WERE sick or injured, even restaurants people were hangry.
THOSE are hair on fire environments, and for good reasons.
This corporate “do this now because oh my god someone won’t get their widget or will be cranky about it” made up emergency is, well, triggering for me. It sends my system into overdrive to fix problems, save the day, do what I can to keep the person from dying, or falling, or even being hangry and mean to waitstaff.
I want off. Off the hamster wheel of bullshit “emergencies”.
Because crying from being overstressed and wanting to hide from the world when I’m in a beautiful new place is not right. It’s not ok. Yes, I recognize that it’s a first world problem. But it is my problem. I put myself in this situation by doing what I always do - volunteering to save the day at work when someone quit and the company would struggle. But guess what? I’m not the boss here. It’s not MY company. Hell, it’s not even a public company that I own shares of.
What I DO own, is what I have committed to. And I also NEED to take care of myself. I’ve been at burnout too many times before to know what will happen next if I’m not careful.
I will get resentful (already starting). I will get snappy at my boss (trying to keep that in check). I will commiserate with coworkers about the stressful environment (already starting). And I will self-sabotage my way out of this job.
Maybe there’s another way.
Maybe today, I give myself permission to stop. Just stop. Do the one work thing I said you’d do before tomorrow, and then that’s it. Then spend the day doing whatever the fuck I want to. Maybe that’s site seeing. Maybe that’s a stroll around to find a good meal in a warm cafe and people watch. Maybe it’s sitting in this bed, reading or writing or watching movies today, and actually giving my body a chance to rest and my brain a chance to check out. Even if I’m on vacation. Even if I’m in a new place. Because, if I can’t turn off the hamster wheel in my head and can’t be present to really BE in this new place, what the actual fuck is the point?
Whatever it is, it starts with permission. No one has been holding a gun to my head saying “Do this or else”. I have allowed the stress and pressure to get to me. I have not held firm boundaries, or been honest about what I can do without getting here again. The blame is not on my boss, or the company, or the customers. But on me.
So the solution must come from me as well.
And as a favorite author of mine, Jon Acuff, has said, it starts with permission. It starts with giving myself permission. When I give myself permission to stop, my body relaxes a little. Not completely (um, hello stress level), but I can feel it. There’s just a little shoulder drop. Face relax. Breathing calms, Mood lightens.
And that, at least, is a start.
So today, I give myself permission to just stop. Whatever I do is ok.
And now, I’m curious to see what I will do today!
